I have always had great hair.
Thick, wavy, shiny, dense, vibrant, full-of-body, luxurious hair. When I was in my teens, my hair fell almost to my waist when it was wet. Dry, it fluffed out and fell to just below my shoulders.
Sort of like Roseanne Roseannadanna, you know?
As I aged, I carried one certainty with me: whatever else I lost, I would always have fabulous hair. I imagined myself as a little old wrinkly lady in a housedress, with a huge crop of curly silver hair.
Like my Mom, bless her heart. At 83, she has a lovely head of soft, silvery curls. They always look perfectly coiffed. I kind of hate her.
So. You can only begin to imagine my horror when I looked in the mirror recently and saw…..my head.
It was a Saturday night, and we were going out with friends. Very stylish friends. I put on my new, sleek black jeans and a new, soft gray turtleneck sweater. Oh, yeah. I was pretty sure I was lookin’ just fine.
I sashayed to the bathroom mirror to apply some final touches. Silver jewelry, check. Silky gray/blue scarf, check. My eyes moved upward, slowly. Chin, looking smooth. Mouth, check! Nice shade of lipstick, not too bold, but not too invisible. Sort of a subtle soft ochre. Just right!
Moving up again, past the nose. (OK, still big, still crooked, but at least there aren’t any zits on there any more!) To my eyes. Not too shabby. Getting a little wrinkly, but still a nice deep shade of semi-sweet chocolate. Looking pretty friendly, pretty smiley. Eyes? Check!
And up I go. To my hairline. Where I see……..shiny pink scalp.
What?!? Skin?! No, no, no!!!
Maybe if I tilt my head just a wee bit to the right……..shiny pink.
Maybe if I drop my chin a little…..there is my brown hair, fluffing up in the front. And there is my pink-as-a-baby’s-butt scalp shining on through it.
I know what’s wrong!!! The light in this bathroom is just weird! Just…too bright!
I run down the hall to the big bathroom, click on the overhead light and move toward the mirror.
All my sashaying is gone now. I slink back to my bathroom, rummage through the useless crap drawer and pull out an old can of mousse. “Sphlphlph” I plop it into my hand. Rub it into my remaining hair and try to fluff it all up like a stick of cotton candy. Back to the mirror. I take a slow, cautious peek.
Fluffy, sticky brown hair standing up straight. I look like I just saw the ghost of Bob Marley. And my gleaming eggshell head is even more obvious.
Time is running out. Our friends are waiting.
Desperate now, I reach into the very back of the coat closet where my fingers just reach an old black wool beret. I brush it off on my sleeve, and tilt it rakishly over one eye.
As long as it doesn’t get too hot in the restaurant, I am one fine looking middle aged woman.
12 thoughts on “Absolutely Hair Raising Adventures”
My hair has also thinned. My husband, who has lost much of is — and my son who is nearly bald — do not understand my complete horror. I keep telling them it’s DIFFERENT for a woman. They don’t get it. But you do. I totally HATE it.
My husband has lost most of his hair, too, but it IS different for us!! I am sort of laughing at it (hope you could tell that) but inside, I miss my old Roseanne!
Mine too. I have long, thick, reddish-blond Irish curls. It is the only good feature left …But it is falling out too. Thyroid problems (gotten yours checked?) and Crohn’s disease have made it fall out. Oh, and washing it every day is not a good thing, either.
I think I’ll go stick my finger in a socket and see if that will improve my current do…
Hahaha!!!! I haven’t tried the socket trick; let me know how it goes! Photo, perhaps?
I’ve had everything checked in the past year (not because of hair loss, but still). I’m healthy as the proverbial horse. Just suffering from O.L.D. Syndrome!
First of all, you hooked me with the picture of Roseanne, Roseannadanna….Good Lord she was a funny a woman & one of my all time favourites!
Aging is hysterical – a reminder every day to not take our vanity too seriously! I am sure you looked smokin’ hot despite the “shiny pink scalp” 🙂
Didn’t you just love her?!!
“What’s all this about flea erections?” Soooo funny!
And, yeah, this aging thing really does keep it all in perspective!
I’ve not noticed a thing! 😉
Ha! And you were the “very stylish friend” to whom I was referring!
You just thought my beret was my hair, that’s all!
Bathroom mirrors can be very cruel
I decided that mine needs some adjustment. I put a picture of Sophie Loren over it.
You make me laugh! You ARE a beautiful and stylish and even more beautiful inside woman! But I do get it, if only we can keep our youthful look!
Yeah, sure, blondie!
You have NO idea. I can see….my head…..