Seriously? What were you guys drinking?

Lately I have been fairly obsessed with all things baby related.  As I prepare myself to become a first time Nonni, I find myself worrying that I am out of date.  I mean, they seem to change the rules of baby raising every year, and its pretty easy to fall behind.

For example, back in the day (23 years ago!) I was always sure to put my baby to bed on his stomach! I wanted to keep him safe, after all!  I carefully tucked his blankets around him and left him resting on his chubby little cheek.  Just like I had done with his older siblings a few years earlier.  Yup. I knew what I was doin’ alright.

Now, of course, if I ever put my granddaughter down for a nap on her tummy, I’d be brought up on charges and thrown in the pokey.  If I ever dreamed of leaving a blanket in her crib, all hell would break loose and I’d be kicked out of the Nonni club before I knew what hit me.

Its a scary proposition!

So I’ve been researching. And I’ve learned all kinds of interesting things. I’ve learned that crib bumpers are both useless and slightly dangerous. Just like blankets and pillows.  Deadly, dangerous pillows.

I’ve learned that you can now seal up the kids’ stinkiest deposits using something called a “Diaper Genii”. This is possibly the most brilliant and least environmentally sound invention in human history.  When I think of the dump trips in my past, lugging the bags of noxious waste into and out of my trunk……..

Anyway, you get the picture.  Times have changed in oh-so-many ways.

For example, in the old days, we used to name our children after other humans.  We gave them names that were generally recognized to be……well…..names. You know, like “Kate” or “Matt” or “Tim”.  Regular human names.

Now I guess its really important for young parents to give their children the names of random objects in the universe.  For example, on a very hip and up-to-date website on “creative baby names”, I saw that some people out there have named their child “Moon”.  Kind of pretty, in a hippy-dippy sort of way.  But someone else named their poor little baby “Audi”.  And someone else chose “Holiday”.

This makes me worry.  What is going to happen to a six year old named “Eunique” when he’s trying to learn to spell?  And can you just imagine the first day of ninth grade for a skinny, pimple faced red-head when he has to tell his math teacher that his given name is “Juju”?

What were these people thinking?

If someone in my family told me that they were planning to name the new baby “Heavenleigh” or “Nixon” or “Tempest”, I’d give five years of prepaid psychotherapy as a baby gift.

Yeesh.

Maybe the Mom who named her child “Rhythm” was upset with the failure of her natural birth control method.  I don’t know. Maybe the couple who decided that “Yolo” was a great name for their little boy were entrepreneurs in the new and expanding world of medicinal herbs, and maybe they had been trying out the product.  Maybe those who chose “Vino” wanted to commemorate a particularly enjoyable conception. Or the folks who named their son “Moody” had never met a teenager.  Who can say what on earth prompted someone to actually fill out a birth certificate with the name “Guru”?

All I can say is, I am getting just a wee bit nervous.  I really really hope that my daughter and her hubbie haven’t stumbled onto one of those sites that tells you to name the baby for the first thing you see after the birth.

I just can’t imagine myself opening up my arms and cooing, “Come here, Placenta!”

Wish me luck!