I remember back when I struggled so much with the sadness of the empty nest. Back then, it was the children who had left me behind. I missed them terribly, and had to give myself the time to grieve.
Now I find myself facing a different kind of emptiness. This time, I am the one who has left the children.
Last June I retired from teaching, well before I was ready to go. I left before I had finished the job. Before I had reached my best, before I had grown too old and tired to love the children.
But I retired, having read the handwriting on the wall. I understood that I was no longer seen as relevant or valuable, at least not by the people who do the evaluations. My usual well respected questions were no longer welcome, but were now seen as insurrection. All of the knowledge about children that I had gathered and learned over my 30 years of teaching were suddenly “outdated” and in need of replacement. When I couldn’t manage to forget what I knew, it was time to move on.
So I said goodbye to a job I loved and was so proud to do. I took myself out of the world of “teachers”. I left my wonderful school behind. I left the comforting support of my colleagues and friends.
I’m the one who left the nest.
So today I am sad. I miss those children so much! I miss the bright eyes, the goofy grins, the lame bathroom jokes. I miss the rapt faces as I read out loud. I miss the morning meetings and the “sharing” stories of soccer games and birthday parties and new puppies.
I miss the flushed faces of children coming back inside after recess on a cold day. I miss the hushed conversations in the hall as I help a group of girls work out a social struggle.
I miss the math lessons, the moments of “lightbulb” realization. God, I miss the hugs and the little drawings and the poems and the handmade bracelets. I miss knowing that they are happy to see me. I miss the incredible validation that comes from the realization that they trust me, and respect me.
I miss seeing those children make progress. I miss the moments when they surprise themselves. I miss seeing them slowly come to the realization that they disagree with my interpretation of something, and gather the courage to challenge me.
I miss being a teacher. I do.
I miss the hugs that came at the end of almost every day. I miss having all those smiling little faces saying, “See you tomorrow!” as they headed out the door.
I wasn’t ready to go.
I miss it.
Empty Nest, Full Life 
If you weren’t ready to go, then go back. Private school, parochial school? Start your own school?
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I think that ship has sailed……going to pour my love onto my Ellie. And going to write about teaching! So there!
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Sounds good to me! And you have more time with Sadie and Tucker. I bet they’re not sorry you retired.
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I can only imagine how hard it is to go too soon.
I was watching a programme on the TV the last day where an elderly couple in their late 80s got an award. They had read where a 15 year old had tried to take her own life as she was so bullied at school, so they set up a school for children who didn’t fit in. They were amazing.
I always believe that if we have a drive in us it will find a way out. Somewhere you will find how best to tap into the teacher you will always be and somewhere there are children who will be so blessed you made the decisions you did.
If not what ever you do I think you will find a way to help others, even if it’s within your own family.
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Thank you, Tric! What a lovely thought…..I just miss the kids today…really do miss them. But you know what? Two of my former students, from different years, sent me emails today, just after I posted this!
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You are grieving the death of a life. You will never forget it, but it does get easier with time. Nothing you do will ever replace it, but that’s as it should be. Just like each of your dogs has filled a special place in your heart, none of them replace one that is gone. They just fill a new place in your life. So you will find new things to fill your life, not the same, not replacements. Would you really want to forget?
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No, but I wish I hadn’t had to leave so suddenly. I wish I could have another year to at least say goodbye…..
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Wonderful post.
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Once again, it surprises me how sad I am. I just wasn’t ready to leave them yet.
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I understand
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There are a lot of kids out there who need tutors. Tutors like you. Just like you. Who know what they’re doing.
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Lovely post. I have also worked in education and some of my friends have left the profession for similar reasons. I think it is sad and that kids would benefit from a mix of experienced and newly qualified staff, it’s a shame when the school climate doesn’t allow for that. I hope you find happiness in a new route.
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Thank you, Susanne! I am very, very lucky, in that I timed my retirement to allow me to become the full time daycare for my brand new granddaughter. What a joy! I will be able to keep on nurturing, and keep on loving a child.
But I do continue to feel sad that I left my school under such sad circumstances. I feel sad for education……I feel sad for children.
Thanks for commenting! Thanks for your encouragement, it means so much!
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