Let’s just take a brief respite here, shall we? We may be on the very brink of World War III. Paris may be burning. The climate is wrecked, the Presidential candidates are a bunch of crazy assed ego maniacs.
I know. The world is a mess.
But let me digress for just a moment, will you?
You see, in the midst of world crisis and the possible annihilation of humanity, I have a bigger problem.
My dogs are currently producing the kind of flatulence that can peel paint, etch glass, melt solid metal and cause human eyeballs to combust.
It all started when Sadie began to decline and lost the muscles on her face. This was, of course, closely followed by Tucker having a bleeding mass on his spleen and needing emergency surgery. Within a week, we went from being the parents of two healthy, hearty dog-food-eating mutts to the grieving parents of two dying little canine angels.
If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know that both dogs came through their ordeals and have lived to poop another day.
In order to reach their new levels of health, they have had to endure several trips to the Chinese Herbalist/Acupuncturist Vet. This woman is like a young, gentle wizard. She looked at their tongues, felt their pulses, asked about their preferences, and put them on a regimen of Chinese herbs.
She also suggested that, if I really wanted my furry children to be healthy, I should cook for them.
So I do! Home cooked chicken, rice, oatmeal, squash, carrots, liver, beef……The dogs are absolutely thriving! Thick, shiny coats! Happy dispositions! Extra energy!
And farts that could clear a stadium in two minutes.
Paul and I have started to sleep in a room with two kind of air freshener, an open window no matter the temperature, scented lotion on our hands and faces……. And yet we wake up every night from the gagging gaseousness of the doggie output.
What the hell.
If we shut the door and keep them out, they both wake us up by whining, scratching, yipping at our door. If we let them in, we are doomed.
We have been feeding them probiotics, feeding them several small meals as opposed to one or two large ones, giving them yogurt, walking them before bed, washing their rear ends with scented soap…….
To no avail.
And here is what I have come to believe.
If the US Army could somehow manage to capture and then disperse this toxic smell, every terrorist in the world would curl up in a ball and scream “Bring me lavender!”
Sorry to end suddenly, but its time for me to smear on some Vicks under my nose, insert the nose plugs, and rub rose oil on my pillow.