So there I was, standing in the bathroom as I got ready for bed last night. Paul was already under the covers with a good book, and the house was cozy and warm. It occurred to me that I was one very lucky woman, still married to my first love after 37 years of wedded bliss.
I thought back on the many years of getting ready for bed, with my dear Paul waiting for me.
I remembered the slinky negligees, the light floral scents of the lotions, the candles. Sweet memories!
And then I looked in the mirror. And thought back on the previous 30 minutes.
And I suddenly realized something. When they tell you how things change when you get old, they don’t warn you about bedtime!
I mean. Jeez.
I had shut the lights in the living room and headed for the bedroom a full half hour ago. I thought back over what I had done to get ready to sleep.
Well, first I’d changed into my nice flannel pajama’s. The ones with the stars and moons.
Then I had washed my face carefully with “Retinol Wrinkle Reduction” or some such thing. I’d dried off and then smoothed on a coat of “Age Spot Reducing Lotion”. You know, just to keep those little brown smears in check.
I had dutifully brushed my teeth with my electric toothbrush and my “Sensodyne” toothpaste. I had flossed. I had used mouthwash, not so much because I was anticipating anything romantic, but because I want my gums to stay healthy.
Then I had to use an astringent on my nose. See, I have developed a certain congestion of the oro-pharynx that can result in a vibratory pattern.
Yeah. I snore.
Like a freakin’ freight train. I not only wake Paul up several times a night, I wake myself up too.
So I use those nose strips to sleep. And you have to make sure they stick. So, astringent, check. Nose strip, check.
Then I had to rinse off and insert my mouth guard. The one that stops me from grinding away my back teeth while I sleep. I cleaned it, popped it in, tested my jaw movements. Check, Check, Check.
And then I had to refill my water bottle and place it next to the bed. What with the mouthguard and the nose strips, I get pretty dry at night. Check.
I was almost ready to sleep. All that was left was to find the menthol patches and stick one on each elbow, one on my right thumb and one on my knee. All set. The smell of camphor and spearmint filled the air.
I spritzed a little coconut oil on my hair (its supposed to improve the thickness and make the scalp healthy), ran my fingers through it so that it stood up in greasy gray spikes, and headed to bed.
I had to stop once on the way to smooth cocoa butter on my dry ankles. But eventually, I made it to the bed where Paul was reading.
I pulled back the covers and snuggled against my dear beloved husband. “Night, honey”, I said. He smiled, kissed me and said, “Night!”
He is one lucky, lucky guy. Don’t you think?