My granddaughter, my Ellie, is the love of my life.
She is smart, sweet, beautiful, strong, feisty and affectionate. Sometimes, when I least expect it, she puts both arms around my neck and hugs me tight. “Oh, my Nonni!” she sighs. “My Nonni. You’re here!”
Sometimes she demands that I hold her, rock her, keep her warm. “Snuggle me!” she begs, after drinking a cup of the cold milk the she loves so much.
At just a bit over two years old, I am happy to indulge her. First of all, I know that a child this young truly needs to be held and loved and made to feel safe and special. But second of all, I know how fleeting this time will be. This magical time when she wants me to cuddle her and nuzzle her cheek and tell her how much I love her.
So I follow her lead. When she orders me to hug her, I do it happily.
But there is another side to this shiny coin, and it is one that Ellie’s Mom and I have talked about a lot.
That is the fact that sometimes when it’s me who asks for kisses or hugs, Ellie firmly states, “No. No kissing me.”
When I was a child, that message was most often met with, “Oh, that’s not polite! Kiss your Grandma/Aunt/Friend/Uncle/Neighbor.” Children were expected to respond with pleasure to the signs of affection from adults. Especially well known and well loved adults.
But those days are gone.
And good riddance.
Now when Ellie frowns and states, “No!” I back off as quickly as I can. “OK.” I say. “No kisses.”
It’s so hard, though! I love her SO much! I feed her, dress her, take her to the potty, rock her when she’s sad, kiss her boo-boos, tuck her in for her nap every day. I want to kiss her sweet cheek. I want to rest my lips on her brow. I want to rub my cheek on hers and nuzzle her neck.
But if she says NO, I understand that it has to be NO.
Because even more than I want to kiss her while she is still Nonni’s little girl, I want her to grow up with a sense of ownership of her own body. I want her to know the value of her affection. I want her to know, with absolute certainty, that her kisses are her gifts to give or to withhold. I want her to feel, in the deepest fibers of her heart, that if she doesn’t want to kiss someone, she doesn’t have to kiss them.
Even if that someone is her very own Nonni who made her buttered noodles today and sang her songs and washed her face ten times and didn’t fuss about the spilled juice on the rug. Even then.
If Ellie says “NO” then the answer is “NO”.
I want her to have the power to say “NO” and to mean it. Even if she says it to me.
I only kiss Elmo.
Empty Nest, Full Life 
I have tried, for a very long time, to ask my girls “Can grandma have kisses” before just assuming it is okay. I also try not to rush in the door each day with them and assume they want hugs, or any contact for that matter. It’s been difficult at times, not only because I want to show my love for them, but I know that their other grandma, and many aunties (who don’t see them nearly as often as I do) expect and also give copious amounts of hugs and kisses without asking. I have wondered if my girls think grandma doesn’t love them as much, because I hold back or ask before touching. Like you, I want my girls to grow up knowing that they have control over their bodies and no one should assume that fact can be ignored. As soon as their arms reach out, or open wide though and their smiles tell me it’s okay, I’m all over them 🙂
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Oh, I can so relate! Sometimes I just want to say, “listen, kid, I take care of you ALL day!” but I try not to. Ellie knows how much I love her, without the kisses (although she does allow lots of them….) And I know she loves me through all those quick hugs, and “kiss my boo boos”.
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You’re doing the right thing. Good for you!
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Funny how hard it is sometimes! Especially as she almost falls asleep for her nap, with an arm around my neck. If I kiss her then, she always growl, “No kissin on me!”
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My three year old grand daughter visited us for a short time with her father. She has always had very definite opinions about her space and rights. On most occasions, her wishes are understandable and reasonable, but when she announced I couldn’t come into “our” room where she and her father were staying, I gently reminded her whose house she was in. In the process of shutting the door in my face, she paused and acknowledged that maybe my feelings needed to be considered with a single, “Oh!”
Fickle little creatures, but totally irresistable!
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OH, my! It is a fine line sometimes, and we are trying hard to keep our girl polite while she says, No Thanks. So far we are still in the NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! phase, however!
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It is a fine line, but she/they are at an age of discovering “me” and the boundaries/rights of being a “me.” It is not always an easy process. Fortunately, my son and daughter-in-law are doing a good job of helping her navigate the trials of “threedom.”
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Sounds pretty good !!
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Many people are changing and accepting when a young child says no to hugs and kisses. I believe it’s a good thing. 🙂 Sad sometimes for Nonni, I’m sure.
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But the right thing to do…far better to wait for a kiss freely given than to take one that makes her upset.
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I hate the “give so and so a kiss….”. Drives me crazy!
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My middle child, my persnickity son, used to present the top of his head. I thought it was brilliant, but it upset some of the older folks in our family. I wish I had felt empowered back then to tell the adults to just back off.
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