“Laugh, Clown, Laugh.”

I’m trying.

I’m trying to find something funny in the situation. I swear I am.

See, here’s the thing. I’m a lefty. A progressive. A bleeding heart liberal. A pinko. The leftiest of Democrats stands to my right.

I hate, loathe, detest, deplore Donald J. Trump and everything that he represents.

I hate the lies, the greed, the bloated sense of self-worth and self-promotion. I am sickened by his vile hatred and ignorance.

It makes me physically ill to even hear his voice. The way he whines, distorts reality, sniffs between words, abuses and debases the English language itself.


Even the way he breathes makes me nauseous.

So what do I do with the Mueller non-finding? What do I do with the feeling of betrayal that I’m left with after the desperately awaited report has come out?


I’ve been eating chocolate. Drinking. Binge watching “Mrs. Maisel” and baking bread.

I’ve also cried, tweeted, Facebook posted, written letters to the editor and now blogged.

It still hurts.

How strange and discomfiting it is to realize that I have so lost my sense of balance that I’m actually upset to find that the country will not be put through a torturous impeachment battle.

Like my liberal friends, and even many of my conservative friends and family, I really honestly expected Mr. Mueller to find a direct link between Trump and Vladimir Putin. I thought there’d be a letter or something. You know, “Dear Volodya. I enjoyed the emails that you and your pals dug up on Crooked Hillary. I’m working hard to help you get all your money freed up from that stupid Magnitsky thing. Thanks, by the way, for the Deutsche Bank loan! Once the millions are all scoured and shiny clean, I’ll be sending along your share. Love, Donnie.”

I thought there’d be a photo. I fingerprint. Something. Anything.

I fully and totally expected Trump to be found guilty of obstruction of justice at the very least. I sort of assumed that Mueller would have believed Trump himself when he said publicly that he was firing Comey because of the Russian “witch hunt”.

So what do I do with my emotions today?

I’m trying to channel my inner Italian. I’m thinking of Pagliacci and his famous clown.

I remember my grandpa singing the song to me in Italian.

Ridi, Pagliaccio,
sul tuo amore infranto!
Ridi del duol, che t’avvelena il cor!

Laugh, clown, laugh.

I’m trying. I’m really trying to laugh.

I’m also waiting impatiently for the Southern District of New York to conclude its investigation.

Until then…….

Want some chocolate?

16 thoughts on ““Laugh, Clown, Laugh.”

  1. It’s not over yet. There is still a lot of dirt digging in NY, and Mueller did not find no obstruction. It is up to Congress to evaluate the report either through the actual report or strategic subpoenas. Obviously, in the face of how many other convictions(?), there were things going on. “The family” is just pretty good at getting others to take the fall, willingly or not, and they can pretend their hands are clean. It must terrify them every time Trump opens his mouth, wondering what garbage is going to emerge. I feel sorry for his young son who is old enough to know that his father is a pathological liar.


  2. We don’t know that Mueller *didn’t* find something, which I think he did. What we got was Barr’s opinion, not Mueller’s. And Barr was appointed by trump to cover for him. This is not over. Be patient.


  3. Can I retract the sentence of my previous comment (“be patient”) for I, too, feel the same frustration, the same impatience, anger and disbelief as you, and I think a lot of people close to our age may feel the same. We grew up accustomed to a standard of competence and humanity in government, of dignity and decorum (or at least the appearance of) and a sense of we’re all in this together, of the greater good.

    Trump has assaulted and destroyed those standards and gotten away with it, so far. Not because he’s a rebel or because he’s unconventional. He has debased us as a people and pulled back the curtain on the worst instincts of those who are supposed to represent and serve us. He has co-opted the worst people and put them in positions of power, weakening institutions we thought were impenetrable. And what is most disturbing to me is not that he’s gotten away with it, — you expect it from him and his skeezy grifting kids, they’ve always been trash — it’s the realization that our backup, our Congress, our relied-upon mechanism we thought would step in and correct this aberration called trump has failed us. We thought, we hoped, we counted on Mueller to ride in and save us. He didn’t and it’s an enormous jolt to our psyche.

    But take heart. I’m convinced this isn’t over. Mueller’s voice will be heard. It’s just the beginning.


  4. I am so sorry I wasn’t able to be with you yesterday. We could have commiserated together over red wine and chocolate. I feel guilty leaving you alone… Hugs and love!!! On Tue, Mar 26, 2019 at 11:45 AM Empty Nest, Full Life wrote:

    > momshieb posted: ” I’m trying. I’m trying to find something funny in the > situation. I swear I am. See, here’s the thing. I’m a lefty. A progressive. > A bleeding heart liberal. A pinko. The leftiest of Democrats stands to my > right. I hate, loathe, detest, deplor” >


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