I’m trying to find something funny in the situation. I swear I am.
See, here’s the thing. I’m a lefty. A progressive. A bleeding heart liberal. A pinko. The leftiest of Democrats stands to my right.
I hate, loathe, detest, deplore Donald J. Trump and everything that he represents.
I hate the lies, the greed, the bloated sense of self-worth and self-promotion. I am sickened by his vile hatred and ignorance.
It makes me physically ill to even hear his voice. The way he whines, distorts reality, sniffs between words, abuses and debases the English language itself.
Even the way he breathes makes me nauseous.
So what do I do with the Mueller non-finding? What do I do with the feeling of betrayal that I’m left with after the desperately awaited report has come out?
I’ve been eating chocolate. Drinking. Binge watching “Mrs. Maisel” and baking bread.
I’ve also cried, tweeted, Facebook posted, written letters to the editor and now blogged.
It still hurts.
How strange and discomfiting it is to realize that I have so lost my sense of balance that I’m actually upset to find that the country will not be put through a torturous impeachment battle.
Like my liberal friends, and even many of my conservative friends and family, I really honestly expected Mr. Mueller to find a direct link between Trump and Vladimir Putin. I thought there’d be a letter or something. You know, “Dear Volodya. I enjoyed the emails that you and your pals dug up on Crooked Hillary. I’m working hard to help you get all your money freed up from that stupid Magnitsky thing. Thanks, by the way, for the Deutsche Bank loan! Once the millions are all scoured and shiny clean, I’ll be sending along your share. Love, Donnie.”
I thought there’d be a photo. I fingerprint. Something. Anything.
I fully and totally expected Trump to be found guilty of obstruction of justice at the very least. I sort of assumed that Mueller would have believed Trump himself when he said publicly that he was firing Comey because of the Russian “witch hunt”.
So what do I do with my emotions today?
I’m trying to channel my inner Italian. I’m thinking of Pagliacci and his famous clown.
I remember my grandpa singing the song to me in Italian.
sul tuo amore infranto!
Ridi del duol, che t’avvelena il cor!
Laugh, clown, laugh.
I’m trying. I’m really trying to laugh.
I’m also waiting impatiently for the Southern District of New York to conclude its investigation.
Want some chocolate?