Thank you, Science!


Boo!

I’m sure that by now you’ve seen the photo of the giant, massive, horrifying, worse-than-deadly black hole in deep space. The monster lurks out there, absorbing all light, all life, every tiny speck of matter that falls into it’s deadly, crushing maw of annihilation.

Holy petrifying.

Our entire solar system would be sucked into its infinite emptiness if it somehow came too close.

Gulp. And gulp again.

Of course, this terrifying demon is pretty far away.

As in 500 million trillion km away.

Still.

The very idea of being sucked into non-existence, into pure nothingness, is a fairly scary proposition.

And that is why I have come here today to say “Thank you, science.”

I figure that with this new knowledge, there will never again be a reason for me to worry about anything. Ever.

I mean, think about it.

Sometimes I get myself into a panic about things. For instance, sometimes I see my reflection in the mirror and realize that I look like a saggy gray bag of wet cement. It can be depressing.

But from now on, I can simply tell myself, “At least my molecules aren’t being obliterated in a giant black hole.”

You see what I mean?

“Oh, shit. Trump may get us into a war with Iran.”

If the black hole doesn’t get us first.

“This house is getting old, and we can’t afford the upgrades and repairs that it really needs.”

Who cares? Someday it will fall into a black hole of death anyway.

“This weather is just terrible! More snow! More ice! I can’t take it!”

But we aren’t falling into the black hole yet.

“I haven’t exercised in months.”

Black hole.

“I really shouldn’t eat this bowl of chocolate ice cream.”

Black hole.

Nothing to worry about. Nothing I do or don’t do in the remaining years of my life could possibly be as bad as being sucked into a black hole.

Think about that the next time you wake up at 3 AM worried about making your next car payment.

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