Does it even matter what I think?
It seems more than a little bit odd to me to hear people out there arguing about what is offensive and what isn’t.
It’s especially strange to hear white people, who make up pretty much my entire social circle, arguing about what makes something offensive to black Americans.
Is Aunt Jemima’s image on the syrup bottle “offensive” or is it just a meaningless picture? How about Uncle Ben? Is a statue of General Lee offensive? Or is it a monument to a cultural history?
As is so often true, when I think about the big questions that trouble adults, I turn to my experience as a classroom teacher to guide me.
I’m remember one particular year of teaching fifth grade. My students were a sweet combination of innocent and sassy. As ten year olds, they were still gentle and tender. They liked me, I liked all of them, and we had a good rapport. But as almost-adolescents, they’d begun to test some of my limits. A few kids had tried out “bad words” in the classroom, and we were discussing why some words were offensive.
One of the best parts about teaching kids this age is watching when one or two of them get that glint of mischief in their eyes and try to push the envelope a bit. In this case, a few of the kids wanted to experience the thrill of saying the forbidden words, so they started to ask me, in whispers, which words to avoid.
“Is ‘shit’ a swear?” (Giggle). “Can I say ‘dammit’?” (Giggle)
I realized pretty quickly that it was time for us to regroup and talk. I gathered the kids on the rug in our “meeting area”.
“OK,” I began. “I am not going to give you a list of acceptable and unacceptable words. There are millions of words in the English language and we aren’t going to check each one.”
I looked around the circle at all the eager faces and bright eyes.
NOTE: If you ever want to capture the attention of 25 ten year olds, tell them you’re going to talk about swears.
“A swear is a word that hurts someone. It’s a word that makes someone feel bad, or makes them uncomfortable. Even if it’s a word or a phrase that you don’t mind at all, if it hurst someone else, you don’t say it.”
They were thoughtful for a minute. A hand was raised.
“So is ‘stupid’ a swear?”
I let the kids talk about it. They realized that they knew the answer. If I say, “This stupid shoe won’t stay tied,” then it isn’t offensive. If I call my classmate “stupid”, then it is.”
I’m sure they were a little disappointed that we weren’t going to try out various spellings of the f- word, but my point had been made.
Next I asked the kids to do me a favor. I told them that sometimes we say or do things that offend others and we don’t know it. I told them that I would appreciate it if they’d tell me any time I said or did something that hurt them or offended them.
One sweet, kind little girl raised her hand. I was surprised, because I couldn’t imagine what I might have done to offend her. I asked her to tell me what was wrong.
“Could you please not say “God”? My family goes to church, and my mom says it’s wrong to say “Oh, my God”, but sometimes you say it.”
She was right. I said that phrase a LOT.
But I looked into the deep brown eyes of my trusting student, and I promised her that I would do my absolute best never to say it in front of her again.
“God” was an offensive word to this religious little girl, when I said it in that phrase.
The kids understood the lesson and we never had to revisit the question of what words were offensive.
If your action, your logo, your statue, your language, your clothing hurts someone else, you can’t keep using it.
Thanks, children. As usual, you show us the way.