Photo by Natalia Soto on Unsplash
Waiting is such a difficult thing. I have been waiting for weeks to have surgery that will hopefully relieve some of the symptoms I am having from an acoustic neuroma. I don’t know how hard the surgery will be (How long will I be unconscious? How difficult will the microsurgery be? What complications might appear?) I don’t know what I will be feelings after it’s over. (How nauseous will I be? How manageable will the pain be? How long will it take before I can come home? Will I be safe to walk on my own?)
I was lucky; my surgery was scheduled only four weeks after I met my neurosurgeon.
Only four long, scary, challenging weeks. I am trying as hard as I can to stay busy. I am playing my violin, I am reading. I still play with and watch the grandkids. I am visiting local farmers markets and keeping up with news.
None of that matters.
I wake up scared and I spend all day trying to distract myself.
But I feel stuck. I feel helpless and immobilized.
I am like a tiny bug, trapped within a drop of amber, frozen in time and place.
I am a very very patient Nonni and was a very patient teacher.
I am NOT a patient patient. Let’s get it done. I want that tumor out of there. I want it out NOW. I want it gone so I can begin the next phase of life, whatever it looks like. I am ready to be partially deaf. I am ready to be off balance and to have a slightly droopy smile, all of which is likely.
I just can’t stand the waiting. Sitting still in my bubble of amber, unable to move forward, unable to help myself.
Maybe I’ll check out some online sales.
4 thoughts on “Caught in Amber”
I can understand the waiting Karen. In 1996 I had to wait about 2 months for surgery- a hysterectomy that I had chosen after a diagnosis of cervical cancer. Early stage- no huge rush in the eyes of medicine, yet when I made the choice I wanted it done NOW. Having three young kids all trying to live their busy lives helped to keep me sane while I waited. I always look back and wish I would have written then- poured out a lot not only about those feelings but also other aspects of my life and marriage I was waking up to. Time may not have moved any faster, but I think I would have had clarity a lot sooner. Maybe you can find a creative outlet to express the emotional toll of all of this. Hugs.
Thanks, Deb! I think that this blog is my outlet; I usually write about politics on Medium, but right now I can’t focus on it. LOL, the cure for Trump Derangement Syndrome: just get deranged about something else!
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Karen, I can’t imagine how you feel. You just need it to be done so you can deal with the recovery. I understand I am so Patient with everyone and their health issues but not my own. I am getting ready for my first colonoscopy only because of “issues”. I am a wreck thinking about this but trying to just be done with it. Wish these appts were sooner once we make these decisions to go do them. Oh well. Let me know when your date is so I can not worry too much!
Thanks, Jean!!! Surgery is Aug 5. Coming up! Glad you’re having that colonoscopy; they are really life saving and while the two or three days ahead are kind of annoying, the procedure itself is really fast and painless! Good luck!