Old People’s Date Night


Old. But still happy.

So Paul and I have been married for going on 42 years. We’ve been a couple for close to 50.

After a while, even the most loving of relationships can get a little….settled. We recently talked (argued? I argued and he listened?) about the fact that we don’t go out much any more. We don’t find fun things to do together as much as we used to. Or as much as this stay-at-home-with-kids Nonni would like.

So on Friday, Paul sent me a text that said, “Hey! Let’s go to the movies on Sunday!”

I was so excited! I haven’t been to a movie since the last Hunger Games film came out.

All weekend long, as I went through my regular routines of laundry, shopping, visiting my mom, paying the bills, I kept thinking about a movie date. Paul did his usual weekend rituals too. He scooped up the dog poop, chopped the ice in the driveway, did his hours of billing paperwork. But last night, he said “We are going to the movies tomorrow!”

Well.

Sunday morning passed with dog walking, some writing for me, some more billing paperwork for him (he’s a psychologist in private practice….someday we’ll talk about Medicare for All). We had lunch, we set coffee up for tomorrow morning, and off we went for Date Night.

Into the giant multiplex theater we went, our pre-ordered tickets in hand. We got our popcorn and box of candy. We found our seats in the almost empty theater.

And we settled in with great anticipation to watch the previews.

Holy nihilistic horrors.

In between the countless ads for Coke products, credit cards, makeup, cars and fast food, we were treated to about 10 movie trailers.

By the time they ended, my mouth was open, my eyes were squinted and my hands were shaking like you wouldn’t believe.

What the absolute HELL?

If movies are a reflection of society, then we are in deep, deep, DEEP shit, my friends. As far as I can recall, we saw trailers for the following films:

  • A spy shoots up historical sites in Europe while drinking too much, sleeping with as many women as he can catch and driving his car over cliffs.
  • A young girl is possessed by demons into believing that she is talking to God when she’s really, um, ya know, possessed by demons. Cue the bleeding eyeballs.
  • An agoraphobic young woman is seduced and then tortured by her sadistic neighbors
  • Something happens that involves various space crafts, disgustingly oozy and aggressive aliens and a lot of women falling down.
  • A look back at WWI in all of its horrific glory; but compounded by the terror of a young man desperate to survive long enough to prevent a catastrophic death that will kill his only brother.

I think there were more, but by the time I got to them I was starting to whimper and I turned my attention to my popcorn.

“Jeez, honey, ” I whispered, “These movies are so horrible! I wouldn’t want to watch any of them!”

He agreed as we clasped hands in the darkened theater.

Then, at long last, our movie started.

“Uncut Gems” with Adam Sandler. We love Sandler, and the plot of the movie had looked intriguing.

A charismatic New York City jeweler always on the lookout for the next big score makes a series of high-stakes bets that could lead to the windfall of a lifetime. Howard must perform a precarious high-wire act, balancing business, family, and encroaching adversaries on all sides in his relentless pursuit of the ultimate win.

Should be very cool, right?

Wrong.

Wrong, wrong and wrong-oh-ramma.

We lasted for about an hour of the film. By that point, we had no idea of why the main character was doing anything that he was doing, who was with him and who was against him, and why any of it was even happening. There was a big fat gemstone, a very very handsome and appealing Kevin Garnett (played by the very very handsome and appealing Kevin Garnett) and other than that, we have no idea what was going on.

All we could tell for sure after an hour of enduring this “movie” was that it must be incredibly easy to write a major Hollywood script.

Even I could do it. Watch.

“What the F…. are you doing, you f…ing piece of f…ing shit?” “Oh, yeah? Well f…..you, you fu…..ing jerk!” “No, f….you! Listen, you fu….er, you f…..in’ f….with me and I’ll f….in’ f….you and your whole family, you f…..er.”

I could go on, but what’s the point?

After an hour, we both had head aches, the popcorn was gone, and we still had no idea why Kevin Garnett wanted the big gemstone or where it was by the time Adam Sandler got attacked at his daughter’s school play.

I am not f…..in’ making this up.

We looked at each other and recognized the horror on each other’s faces.

“Wanna get outta here?”, my honey asked me. I grabbed his hand and we bolted out of there.

From now on, Date Night will have to revolve around ice cream, a walk on the beach or a Disney Movie.

We are just too old for this shit.

Heading home for dinner, a drink and our jammies.